Could it be ADHD?
Understanding Your ADHD Spiky Profile
Have you ever looked around a room and wondered how everyone else seems to have received the handbook for adulthood that somehow skipped you?
You remember birthdays but forget appointments. You can spend six hours researching the perfect holiday, but cannot reply to a text message. You thrive in a crisis, think creatively, notice details others miss, and care deeply about the people around you, yet somehow still find yourself wondering:
"Why can't I just do the simple things?"
If this sounds familiar, you are certainly not alone.
At our Women and ADHD group in King's Lynn, we often talk about the idea of a spiky profile. Rather than seeing ourselves as either "good" or "bad" at life, a spiky profile recognises that all of us have areas of strength alongside areas that require more effort, support, or understanding.
And perhaps most importantly:
A spiky profile is not a character flaw. It is a way of understanding the uneven pattern of strengths and challenges that many neurodivergent people experience. Although "spiky profile" is not a formal diagnostic term used within ADHD assessment criteria, it offers a compassionate framework for recognising that being highly capable in some areas while struggling in others is part of human variation rather than evidence of personal failure.
The Trouble with Comparing Ourselves
Many women arrive at the group carrying years, sometimes decades, of self-criticism.
"I should be more organised."
"Everyone else seems to cope."
"Why can I manage this but not that?"
"I feel lazy."
Yet much of this inner dialogue develops because human beings naturally compare themselves with others.
Psychologist Leon Festinger (1954) proposed Social Comparison Theory, suggesting that we evaluate ourselves by comparing our abilities and experiences with those around us. Comparison helps us make sense of where we fit within the social world.
The difficulty is that many women with ADHD spend years comparing their behind-the-scenes struggles with other people's polished exteriors.
We compare our overflowing laundry basket to someone else's colour-coded planner.
Our forgotten appointments to someone else's apparent ease.
Our emotional intensity to another person's calm exterior.
What we often forget is that we rarely see the full picture.
Comparison can provide information, but it can also quietly become the lens through which we decide our worth.
Learning to Be "Normal"
Psychologist Albert Bandura (1977) suggested that much of what we learn happens through observation. Through Social Learning Theory, we watch the people around us and learn what behaviours are rewarded, accepted, praised, or criticised.
While Bandura did not write specifically about ADHD masking, his theory offers a useful lens through which to understand how it may develop. Many women with ADHD describe becoming highly attuned to the social expectations around them, noticing which behaviours are accepted and which attract criticism. Over time, observing and imitating others can become a way of navigating environments that may not accommodate neurodivergent ways of being.
Many women with ADHD become experts in social observation.
We notice.
We adapt.
We copy.
We rehearse conversations in advance.
We become hypervigilant to how others behave.
We mask.
Perhaps we learnt that being talkative meant being called "too much."
Perhaps forgetfulness attracted criticism.
Perhaps emotional sensitivity was dismissed as being "dramatic."
So we learnt to compensate.
We became perfectionists.
People pleasers.
The reliable friend.
The organiser.
The helper.
The woman who looked like she had everything together.
Until one day, often through burnout, motherhood, menopause, changing demands, or diagnosis, the question emerges:
"Who am I underneath all of this?"
From External Approval to Internal Trust
Person-centred counsellor Carl Rogers (1951, 1959) believed that psychological distress often develops when we move away from our authentic experience in order to gain acceptance from others.
He described this as developing an external locus of evaluation, where our sense of worth depends upon meeting other people's expectations, approval, or definitions of success.
Many women with ADHD know this feeling well.
"If everyone else thinks I'm coping, then maybe I'm okay."
"If people praise me for helping, I must keep helping."
"If nobody notices I'm struggling, perhaps I can hide it."
But constantly living according to external standards can be exhausting.
Rogers believed healing involved moving towards an internal locus of evaluation.
In other words:
• Learning to trust your own experience.
• Recognising what genuinely matters to you.
• Deciding for yourself what success looks like.
• Valuing who you are, rather than who you think you should be.
Not because we stop caring about others, but because we stop abandoning ourselves in the process.
Your Spikes Tell a Story
A spiky profile invites us to become curious rather than critical.
Executive Function
You have brilliant ideas, but struggle to start tasks.
Communication
You thrive in meaningful conversations, yet dread small talk.
Relationships
You love fiercely, but fear rejection deeply.
Sensory Experiences
You notice sounds, textures, smells, and environments others barely register.
Masking and Coping
You have become highly capable because you've spent years compensating behind the scenes.
Emotions
You experience joy, empathy, excitement, frustration, and sadness intensely.
Attention and Energy
You can hyperfocus on things you care about, while struggling to sustain attention for tasks that feel meaningless.
Research has consistently demonstrated that ADHD is associated with differences in executive functioning, including planning, organisation, working memory, emotional regulation, and inhibitory control (Barkley, 1997). Understanding these differences can help shift the narrative from "Why can't I just do it?" towards "What support, environment, or strategy would help me do this differently?" Compassion and curiosity often open doors that criticism never could.
Strengths
You are creative.
Curious.
Resilient.
Resourceful.
Compassionate.
Innovative.
You see possibilities others overlook.
None of these spikes exist in isolation.
They are part of what makes you, you.
What If We Worked With Our Brains Instead of Against Them?
For many of us, the goal has been to become less ADHD.
Less emotional.
Less forgetful.
Less intense.
Less sensitive.
Less ourselves.
But what if the goal was understanding rather than fixing?
What if recognising your spiky profile helped you identify the environments in which you thrive?
Perhaps you work best with flexible deadlines, written instructions, and opportunities for movement.
Perhaps your creativity makes you brilliant at problem-solving.
Perhaps your hyperfocus fuels hobbies that bring joy and purpose.
Perhaps your empathy enables you to support others in ways that are deeply meaningful.
Perhaps you need reasonable adjustments, not unrealistic expectations.
Under the Equality Act 2010, ADHD may be recognised as a disability where it has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on day-to-day activities. In these circumstances, employers, education providers, and service providers have a duty to consider reasonable adjustments to reduce disadvantage. Understanding your profile can help you advocate for what you need, whether that is flexible working patterns, noise-reducing equipment, written instructions, clear communication, regular breaks, flexible deadlines, or assistive technology.
Asking for support is not admitting defeat.
It is understanding how you function best.
The Strength of Community
One of the most powerful things about the Women and ADHD group is witnessing what happens when women stop seeing themselves solely through a deficit lens.
The woman who struggles with organisation may be incredible at making others feel welcome.
The woman who worries she talks too much may ask the questions that help someone else feel understood.
The woman who notices everything may identify needs others have missed.
The woman who has spent years masking may finally realise she no longer has to perform to belong.
Together, we begin to borrow each other's strengths.
We share strategies.
Recommend resources.
Celebrate wins.
Normalise struggles.
Laugh at the absurdity of searching for the phone that's already in our hand.
And gently remind one another that being different has never meant being less.
You Were Never Meant to Fit Into One Shape
Perhaps your spiky profile has caused frustration.
Perhaps it has been misunderstood.
Perhaps it has required enormous effort simply to get through each day.
And perhaps it has also shaped your humour, creativity, determination, compassion, and ability to connect deeply with others.
There is value in understanding the places where life feels harder.
There is also value in recognising the strengths that have carried you this far.
At Women and ADHD, we are not trying to become less ourselves.
We are learning to understand ourselves with curiosity rather than criticism.
To celebrate our spikes.
To advocate for what we need.
To use our strengths to support one another.
And to discover that maybe, just maybe, we were never broken after all.
References
Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
Barkley, R. A. (1997). Behavioral inhibition, sustained attention, and executive functions: Constructing a unifying theory of ADHD. Psychological Bulletin, 121(1), 65-94. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.121.1.65
Equality Act 2010. (c.15). London: The Stationery Office.
Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117-140. https://doi.org/10.1177/001872675400700202
Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-Centered Therapy: Its Current Practice, Implications and Theory. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.
Rogers, C. R. (1959). A theory of therapy, personality and interpersonal relationships, as developed in the client-centred framework. In S. Koch (Ed.), Psychology: A Study of a Science (Vol. 3, pp. 184-256). New York: McGraw-Hill.
UK Government. (2025). Equality Act 2010 Guidance: Guidance on matters to be taken into account in determining questions relating to the definition of disability. GOV.UK. Available at: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/equality-act-guidance/disability-equality-act-2010-guidance-on-matters-to-be-taken-into-account-in-determining-questions-relating-to-the-definition-of-disability-html